As I previously explained, you are now reading the premier World Wide Web Site for information (such as reviews) regarding applications on the Android mobile telephone operating system. Specifically, this site deals with Android OS Applications that are designed to mimic or "ape" reggae airhorns. However some posts written by special guest writers will deal with topics other than Android reggae airhorn apps. This is our first guest posting, written by none other than Me. I didn't quite understand what the author meant when he proposed this idea to me, but as a good editor I know I have good writers, so I trusted Me. Let's just take a little looksie now, what do you say?
Wanna Know Who to Vote For? Easy, Just Use
Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System
By Jeremy Shockey
(Portland, OR) Let's talk presidential pets. You know that they say you can tell a lot about a person by observing their pets. The current crop of remaining Republican and Democrat presidential candidates are all so similar in every way that I have had a hard time deciding who to throw my support behind. Therefore, I have decided to utilize my Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System. At the end, I will compare how each candidate scored according to Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System and make a (finally!) educated decision about who I will vote for.
Hillary Rodham Clinton
HRC used to have Buddy the labrador and Socks the cat, but since the salad days of the 1990's, they have both moved on to the big White House Kennel in the sky (Big respect to Socks the Cat, who lived to be 20 human years!!) At first glance, the family has made a serious downgrade in terms of quality of pets. Tally is a toy poodle. BARF. Maisie gets props for being a mutt, but she is a small yappy mutt, so she nets a negative score using Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System as well. HOWEVER, 14-year-old labrador Seamus is still alive and kicking, and the inherent greatness of an old retriever who has lived a good life is enough to more than make up for two little yappy ratdogs.
HRC used to have Buddy the labrador and Socks the cat, but since the salad days of the 1990's, they have both moved on to the big White House Kennel in the sky (Big respect to Socks the Cat, who lived to be 20 human years!!) At first glance, the family has made a serious downgrade in terms of quality of pets. Tally is a toy poodle. BARF. Maisie gets props for being a mutt, but she is a small yappy mutt, so she nets a negative score using Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System as well. HOWEVER, 14-year-old labrador Seamus is still alive and kicking, and the inherent greatness of an old retriever who has lived a good life is enough to more than make up for two little yappy ratdogs.
Hillary Clinton’s Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score: B+
Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz
Ted Cruz had a little white yappy dog named Snowflake. Of course he does. The man is a shiny squishy personification of the worst that Texas has ever had to offer. I would venture that Cruz has never shared a single tender moment with Snowflake, unless they have hunted rats together and bonded afterward, pausing to lick the warm rat blood off of each others’ faces and barking deep, sinister laughs. Dude is super creepy.
Ted Cruz’s Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score: D-
Donald J. Trump
Drumpfie has no pets because he is a soulless monster who can only bond with greed and power and no animal will ever love him. One might posit that his shitty hair actually is a squirrel and that might be considered a pet, or that his attitude toward women probably leaves him thinking about his many wives the way most people think about pets. Hell, we could even insinuate that the man is powerful enough and evil enough that he probably has a secret island volcano lair with a whole laboratory creating hideous, Dr Moreau-style mutant creatures in an attempt to make an animal so dumb and patient that he can keep it as a pet for more than three hours without it requiring swift euthanasia from a compassionate staff member. But all I am actually going to say is that I should probably give Donald Trump a high score using Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System because his not owning pets is an act of mercy to every animal on Earth. But instead I’m gonna give him a low Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score, because he is a dick.
Donald Trump’s Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score: F
John Richard Kasich
John Kasich is still in this? He doesn’t have any pets, and also I don’t want to take any time thinking or writing about him.
John Kasich is still in this? He doesn’t have any pets, and also I don’t want to take any time thinking or writing about him.
John Kasich’s Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score: whatever, C- I guess, who cares.
Bernard “Bernie” Sanders
Bernie Sanders has stated that he does not have any pets. While it would be a shame to waste the White House's gorgeous lawn by not having man's best friend scamping about, I trust that Senator Sanders had very good rationale for not currently having a pup. Hell, he also doesn’t have a midddle name. The man is efficient, too busy crafting solid policy to bother with any “middle name” nonsense. In spite of his family’s dearth of fuzzballs, everybody by now has seen Bernie’s famous interaction with Portland’s own local hero Little Cheep Cheep Bird. The whole thing illustrated that, personal ownership of a pet or not, Bernie is clearly a friend to all animals and has a heart so warm it could potentially be responsible for rising sea levels in the near future. Thanks to Little Cheep Cheep Bird, Bernie manages to score a perfectly Presidential and respectable score using Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System.
Bernie Sanders’s Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score: B
Bernie Sanders has stated that he does not have any pets. While it would be a shame to waste the White House's gorgeous lawn by not having man's best friend scamping about, I trust that Senator Sanders had very good rationale for not currently having a pup. Hell, he also doesn’t have a midddle name. The man is efficient, too busy crafting solid policy to bother with any “middle name” nonsense. In spite of his family’s dearth of fuzzballs, everybody by now has seen Bernie’s famous interaction with Portland’s own local hero Little Cheep Cheep Bird. The whole thing illustrated that, personal ownership of a pet or not, Bernie is clearly a friend to all animals and has a heart so warm it could potentially be responsible for rising sea levels in the near future. Thanks to Little Cheep Cheep Bird, Bernie manages to score a perfectly Presidential and respectable score using Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System.
Bernie Sanders’s Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score: B
Conclusion
Quite surprisingly, this exercise is literally the only litmus test I have applied during the entire campaign season where Hillary Clinton bests Bernie Sanders. I must note, however, that Seamus is getting a bit long in the tooth, and when his day of reckoning finally comes, the Clintons will be left with two little barkoholic ankle-biting rascals, and at that point Hillary's Jeremy’s Politician’s Quality® of Pet™ Scoring System Score will likely drop. In due deference to the inevitable touch of the Reaper, in order to lucidly do what is best for the country, I sadly have to operate under the assumption that Seamus will die sooner rather than later.
Therefore, I am proud to announce that after literally minutes of thinking about it, I am prepared to give my endorsement for President of the United States of America to the one and only Bernard “Bernie” Sanders!!!
Jeremy Shockey's views do not necessarily reflect those of Jeremy's Reggae Airhorn Android App Reviewz Direct 2 U, its editorial board, or the many very powerful Illuminati members who are secretly controlling Jeremy's Reggae Airhorn Android App Reviewz Direct 2 U
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